Today I heard the powerful lyrics:

Life is fragile, We could die at any minute. 

Eternity is a long time, how are you going to spend it?

The devil is relentless, always trying to break your faith. 

But nothing is comparable to Gods amazing grace. 

We can’t change the past, so make a brighter future. 

I’m giving it up to God, that seems to be the right solution. 

Thank you for the pain, God thank you for the rain. 

You’re building my endurance. 

It’s all part of Gods plan. 

Let me back up, the last 7 weeks have been pivotal for me, as I have sunken deeper into a land of despair. Despair that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge in the sea of highs and lows that come with the birth of a child. 

Backing up even further, the past two years have given me two healthy children, a boy and girl each born by C-Section. The same two years have also taken my dad to heaven and sealed the fate of a family that has always been broken. 

These life changing two years have left me feeling the ultimate love of motherhood and at the same time, the deepest longing for life to be the way it was before kids. 

I was a nurse, with over a decade of building a promising career. I had freedom to travel, hike, workout, browse the isles of target for hours, hang out with friends, go on dates with my hubby, get up and go to sleep…all when I wanted. 

On one side, I was a successful young women with a loving marriage, good friends, a fulfilling career, a beautiful home…and the ability to have children to raise in it. 

On the other side, the side few know about…I was a broken little girl on the inside. Searching and praying for the unconditional love and support of her parents and siblings. Truth be told, I would never have it. Yea, that’s kinda hard to say. I’m never going to have that. 

Even in my dad’s final weeks, his mind and heart were being fed a negative picture of his daughter. A girl that he raised in his elderly years with a harsh hand and tongue, but also nurtured to the very best of his ability. He was the mom and the dad most of the time. In his final weeks, days, moments…there was a cloud, a troubling of the heart on both sides that resulted from the negative ideas of someone who I longed for acceptance. 

Though this woman I longed for love from was present in our home growing up, she wasn’t. I kept chasing and she further isolated herself. From family, from friends, from life…from me. I became her competition and felt a separation that no child should feel from their mother. 
Growing up, I was burdened with countless adult worries…our household, our finances, their business, happiness versus anger fell on my shoulders. The pressure to organize, to prevent, to do was so great, my mind never rested. I didn’t grow up learning who I was meant to be or what I loved to do and I certainly didn’t grow up caring for myself or being cared for. 

There was an emptiness at times and a loniless that came from years of abuse and not being able to talk about. The emptiness of hurting and having to bury it to carry out each day’s tasks. 
Now fast forward to now. Since my dad’s passing, I have made great peace with his loss. He is in a better place and no longer suffering. My mom and sister have since went their separate ways. I’m living a reality of the misunderstood emotions that come with such exponential losses and gains. 

My little family of four is now complete with the birth of my youngest son less then eight weeks ago. I should be beaming with gratitude and full to my very core, but remain with angst over having lost every hope of having the support of an unconditionally loving family. 
So as I go about each day, where I am inundated in the most vital way with the needs of others…I realize the burdensome feelings of self sacrifice once again. This time with my own family. Not the one I was born into, but the one I have chosen to give life to. The one I was blessed by God to have, that I would fulfill his greatest purpose for my life.

Recently, as I looked at my husband and he looked at me, I saw on his face a sadness for the unhappy person I was becoming. We recognized my negativity, anxiety, my need to be perfect and the energy that motherhood has drained from my pores. 

This was where I press pause. 

This is the time when I say no to that outlook, I acknowledge the feelings and where they come from…and then I say goodbye to them. I choose to respond differently. 

I must dive into my faith, my family, my friends, my life into a more meaningful way. I must make certain I don’t fall for the lies about myself or live negatively. I choose to give all my troubling thoughts to God and move forward. Because he’s got this. I might not, be he does. My job is to have faith and live joyfully. 

I realize I have failed at this.

Miserably. 

My heart knows, we can’t change the past…so I will choose a brighter future. 

So with a heavy heart but hope in my soul and a smile on my face…I choose to share what’s on my heart with whoever may read it. Perhaps my struggles and triumphs may empower one other person and I would be delighted. 

Sincere best wishes,

Kavita

Daily gratitude: Today I am thankful for the rain on this mid-summer day. It inspired me to pull through my deep emotions by sharing them in these words. There’s just something refreshing about the rain.